A Letter of Apology to My Daughter

I was hoping that somehow I can work it out with your father. But I don’t think he wants to. I asked him countless times about it and all he could tell me was that he didn’t know. And I, being a mom, your mom, wanted to settle everything that very moment. So when I read his text telling me that he didn’t have any idea what to do and feel about everything, I gave up.

I’m sorry. I know I have been whispering this to you ever since my relationship with your dad fell apart. It’s because I really am. I told you again and again that it breaks my heart to even think of you growing up without a father.

You see, I grew up with a man who made me feel infinite and made my mom, your grandma, felt so loved even though she never even had the chance to see her own father.
I’m not stupid not to know how this part right here will make you feel when you come into your senses. You lack your missing half, the other side of your gene pool.

I am your mom. You were inside me for 9 months. Our heartbeats dance in the same rhythm. I know you even before you came out into this cruel world, love. So don’t think even for a second that I know nothing. I’ve been there too and when you become a mom yourself, you’ll understand.

Oh love, how deeply sorry I am. I am weeping and paralyzed with sadness because of this. No matter how long it’ll take him to grow up and see us, I thought I can wait. But I have to think of our future too, right? How can you lean on me when I can’t even stand for myself? How can I teach you to be strong when even at a slight prick of life’s tragic, I fall?

I tried, love. Everybody knows I tried. I don’t care how that made me look in the eyes of the crowd but I want you to know, I need you to feel, that I tried. Yet I failed.

I am not ashamed. There is no shame in being a single parent. Rather, I am scared that people will treat you the way society treats those it considered not normal. I am frightened that you might get hurt. I am terrified that you might feel what I’ve felt.
That is why I am sorry little girl. I am sorry. And I will forever be sorry for this fate that got me.

I love you forever and always.

Your Mama.

Love and Memories

I lie in bed after finishing a good romantic book. I keep thinking what it was like to have someone who keeps you looking forward for tomorrows. It isn’t rocket science. You immediately invade my thoughts.

The first time we met, you thought my name was funny. You basically looked at me incredulously. ‘What kind of name is that?’ you laughed. It was annoying but I enjoyed your company. And just like any other party Fridays, I forgot about you.

My friends and I were driving up the 3rd town from ours when I received text, ‘Hello’, from an unknown number. I asked who it was and guessed that it was you. I wasn’t excited or anything out of the normal. You were simply just a new friend. That was what we were jokingly calling it the previous night.

A few days of bouncing text messages from each other, we knew that we were attracted. You invited me for a drink and a movie. You told me about your heartbreak and I listened. It was fun. Pretentious. Lustful.

One meeting led to another until we decided to build a relationship out of that 2 week blaze. That was when everything started to fall downhill.

The excitement of first times only lasted for about 2 days after we saw each other again. But within those moments, I felt alive and inlove with life. Then you go inside the room stomping, telling me it was fun and you’re over it.

But that didn’t end there, did it? It was supposed to but it didn’t. You pulled me back into you and made me love you. I loved you. I really did. I have never felt out of balance in my entire life until you came. You made me sad, mad and happy; most of all happy.

I was a different person back then. I was simple, impulsive and loud. Most people said I had a strong personality. Now, I am just peculiarly complicated.

I love to end my thoughts there because what happened afterwards was just tragic, for me by the way. It was all a lie but those memories were the only ones that I hold on to. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and see a stupid girl who cannot seem to get past the horror. But as I look around, I see two tiny people, yours and mine, and I realize that I have lived to love.

Loving someone is not only about warm hugs and sweet kisses. It’s also not just about accepting a person for who they truly are and being happy for them no matter what. Neither expensive stuff nor care bears feed soulful emotions.

When you love, you give yourself up; not half of your heart nor three quarters of your time. You completely open yourself up in full view. You give someone the power to make you happy and at the same time, terribly hurt you. You cannot bargain love. It is simply all or nothing.

 

Changing Shades

The dark came too soon.

It was only a small lit candle;                                                                              Yet, unknowingly, it blazed into burning fury.

When all corners were calmed,                                                                           Top down under were covered in soulless ash.                             Everything neon turned gloom,                                                                       Words that were once sweet slashed;                                                  Carving ugly marks of crimson red.

You expected so much to hear words without wisdom                                 But wouldn’t have guessed it to be too soon;                                                   Above all, from him.                                                                                        For he was your colorful flutters                                                                       And bright tomorrows.                                                                                       Who would’ve thought he’d flip                                                                          Into your deep dark oblivion.

The Moment You Were Gone

All of a sudden, it sunk into me.

You are gone.

I went home and walked inside an empty room. It was filled with all the lovely things that we’ve bought for our little angels. But the room was empty. It felt empty.

I looked over the corner where your big duffel once was and saw nothing but cold white tiled ground. Our little boy ran to that corner too hoping to jump up and about onto your big red duffel. But he saw nothing. So he sat down on the hard floor instead, a distant wondering look in his eyes. Then he called out ‘Ba ba! Papa! Babababa Papa!’ and cried.

I closed the door. I came face to face with a hanging rack full of clothes and none of them were yours. Our little girl looked up and saw the peculiar line of clothes too. She asked me where your belt was. I couldn’t say anything. I knew that she knew. There and then, we both felt what’s true.

You are gone.

Insecurities

I have had a lot of insecurities; that is why I do not change.

I do not change how I dress and impress because I believed that maybe I would be able to find someone who will truly love me for me; and not just because I constantly renew my hair color to the roots or wear flimsy dresses and act like half of me is dumb. But I was wrong because no one cared and everyone still goes for the kind of person that I have eluded to transform into.

My insecurities sometimes get to me deeply. It breaks my soul and I take a step back; going over the starting line of struggle to be a better person than yesterday. I feel so wrong that I try to shun myself away from the eyes of the innocent public who seem to judge me but not. I hurt more than I should because I let my insecurities define what I am; who I am. And then, this kind of episode stops.

When I am happy, I am ecstatic. My insecurities do not bother me. I could not care less. I decide to push through and make any weakness of mine a drive to achieve what I am really aiming for. It is a pleasure; but then again it drains me. I fall on my knees and doubt if I ever was fit to become more than average.

I am no pessimist; but I am also no optimist. I see things based on how people react. I see things through my heart; and when it passes into the brain, it clearly means I lost my faith.

Today, I fought my insecurities away. I forgave myself and the people who made me think that I would never be enough. Today I made myself better. I am happy. I am ecstatic.

A Letter From A Troubled Lass

You are now happy with your life, right?

Well, I guess I need to move on. I guess I need to face everything, everyone; because they’re all babbling about how foolishly stupid I’ve become, selflessly sacrificing myself to a guy whom they think doesn’t deserve me. *Haha* Little do they know that at the very end I am selfish.

I know you are coping up. I know you are already well. I think it’s about time that I worry about myself too. You know, I stayed because I was so afraid of what people who matter to me will think. I was scared of how I’d face the future; that we once imagined together; alone. I felt like a complete failure – as a mother and a woman because I cannot give my daughter the family that she truthfully deserves and I cannot make you love me. I cursed myself for being so defective because you’d rather be with another girl who has a kid that is not yours than be with me, the mother of your child. I mean, how low can I get?

I always told them that I am not going to take myself away from you because of practicality and because of our daughter. But seriously, the real reason (like what I really felt was true) is the fact that I cannot imagine the emptiness that I would feel once I lose you. I felt that you needed me because you are a complicated introvert ass and I knew you were thinking that everyone was against you and the girl that you’ve chosen over me and your daughter.

Honestly, I cannot bear to see you so helpless and vulnerably fragile, thinking that you have no one to hold on to because everything around you is crumbling. You were so sad and I just can’t leave. The people that you depend on the most were pestering you about (y) our situation and you saw no family in them. I wanted to show you that no matter how hard it was, no matter how worthless I was to you, I was willing to stay. I wanted you to realize that humans, even those that you have hurt the most, will eventually learn to forgive; that it’ll all be alright.

I felt like I was and will never be enough – to my daughter, to family, to you and to everybody else. I was thinking that in order for me to be loved, I need to constantly fight for a place in all of your hearts. It was so exhausting and infuriating that I fell into the sad oblivion of depression. I almost lost it. I seriously wanted to kill myself.

I loved you so much that it still showed even if I hid it. I hoped that you’d realize how right I was about working the relationship for our family again but you never did forget to remind me not to hope that everything will be back to what it was before because you do not love me, you never did and you never will. You were a complete shithole but even that didn’t make me hate you. I hated myself more.

I just didn’t know where I’d fit into your puzzle. And it was too late before I realized what a mistake it was to play your game instead of doing mine. It was difficult to decide what to do next because if I stayed, I hurt myself and everyone else, and if I did go, the outcome is still the same. Never did I want to hurt anyone besides myself. Yes, I am that person.

At one point, I was so jealous of the women that you loved so deeply. I did not know how that would have had felt but I guessed that it would be wonderful, to love and be loved. There is no regret. Even if I will tell you there is, there is none. So I say goodbye to this love. It will always remain in me.