Dear Self

We’ve been through a lot, right? And (lol) we are still going through life, but this time, with love in our souls. We finally found (true) love and light along the way. Thank you, Jesus!

I keep on telling myself to write again so that, one day someday, my two little sunshine will be able to read them and know how much they bring life to my world every single day. It is pretty overwhelming looking back how little they were in my arms as we cuddle at night, and now? they’re towering over their stubby mother.

My darlings, I do not think that there is a word in my vocabulary to describe or quantify my love for the both of you. I thank God everyday for blessing me with two of His angels, and I pray to our Almighty Father to guide me as I nurture you. Please be happy, please be healthy, please walk and talk with Christ our Lord in this life. I hope I have healed sooner from my traumas and made your childhood the best that you could ever remember. Nevertheless, I am here.

It is nostalgic reading my previous letters and looking back. However, on and on we go – we move forward! The past is in the past, and we have a whole future ahead of us. I just want to give you (self) a pat in the back. I am proud of you.

Sincerely,

Peace in my heart, J

Dear K – Part I

My love,

I know that you are scared and you hide it from us most of the time, but let me tell you that being afraid is okay.

I am scared too about a lot of things, especially when it comes to you and your brother. Embrace your fears, and only then will you be able to know how to conquer it. It’s easier said than done, I know. I wish that I will always be by your side to reassure you that everything will be okay because you are a strong, beautiful, gentle soul.

Remember that life is tough, but it’s also beautiful.

I would never want you to feel the pain or emptiness I’ve felt (feeling), but if and when you do, do not doubt your worth. You are enough, even when some people makes you feel lacking or at fault for their own distress, YOU ARE ENOUGH. Other people’s opinion is not as important as your opinion about yourself. No one knows you like you do. No one sees your fears and resolve when you cry at night, or the stir of emotions inside you like you do. So do not ruin and lose yourself just to reach other people’s expectations of you. Being ambitious is good, but do it for the betterment of yourself.

Be kind.

No matter what the world throws at you, never allow it to harden your heart. You are 8 years old today, and as much as I want to keep you sheltered from the ugliness of this world, you will eventually explore on your own and meet people who will hurt you. Some people will do it as a reflection of their own fears and misery, and some will just be plain mean to you. Keep your head up and always remember that people can only hurt you when you allow them to. It’s hard to try and understand those who are trying to hurt you, tough life love, but just fight them with kindness (though never tolerate bullying, know when to fight back).

I love you K, so much. It pains me sometimes when I cannot connect with you and your brother because I’m just messed up myself. I’m trying my hardest love, and I will continue to wake up everyday and choose life because I have the most wonderful children.

Mama

10 Years After

It’s been so long since I last wrote in here.

How have I been? Well.. I have everything I need, everything I should be grateful for – right in front of me- but I still feel empty. I’ve managed to ignore it thou, that feeling of nothingness. I choose to wake up everyday and be present. I somehow hope it’s enough, I’m enough.

I decided to write again for my children. I want to tell them what I learned in life. In case something happens, I want them to know what Mama would’ve said. 🙂

#Puso

I had a nightmare. It was the kind of a bad dream that sets a deja vu. It was something that is too familiar. It gave me an upset tummy; and I cried.

I never wanted to have feelings for someone who doesn’t give a bit of interest for me. But I did anyway; and I still do. (God, I am such a romantic.)

Yes! When I leaned left and saw him snuggling with our daughter, a sweet sensation filled me. I love this man no matter how much he doesn’t give a fuck about me. I love him then and I love him now. It may have been quite blurry in between but it has always been clear in my center.

This is a sad truth but not necessarily frustrating. All I want to do now is love him. I have to love him like it matters, like I matter. Because it is the only way to pursue my own happiness. Damn them all who dare judge me!

Punyeta. Noon, palagi akong naghahanap ng pag-ibig na makapagbabago ng pagkatao. Ito yun eh. Hindi dahil napaluhod ako o napaluha, kundi dahil natuto akong maging mapagkumbaba. Namulat ako sa katotohanang hindi lahat ng pagmamahal ay nasusuklian. At okay lang yun dahil ang tunay na nagmamahal ay hindi dapat humihingi ng kapalit. 

My Little Paradise

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My hometown is the only place that I consider a paradise. And I do not say this because it’s where I grew up. I take claim for my statement because it is filled with the most beautiful things nature can offer.

I spent my childhood days exploring vast farmlands and lusciously green hills. As a family, we always spared a day or two having a small picnic at the beach. And that little tradition still goes on until today.

How could you not love the feeling of the rich earth under your feet? Or the refreshing heat of the morning sun? How could you ignore the sparkling seawater, the breathtaking sunset, the colorful dusk?

I admit. My little paradise is addictive. I have traveled to different places; modern and new, but I always find myself daydreaming for a short swing in our hammock.

Does it?

Does it bother you that he isn’t bothered?

Do you care that he doesn’t care?

What are you doing?

What should you do?

Do you stay?

Do you go?

Does it really matter?

That you don’t.

 

Social Media on Relationships: Deal-breaker or Not?

A relationship is built on trust. If you want your emotional connection with your partner to last, you have to accept each other as a whole package – the good and the bad. It is basically the golden rule to survive the humor of this generation.

One of the most influential things today is social media. It gives rapport to people you already know and strangers that you want to know better. And, interestingly enough, it can be a major deal-breaker for those who are in a romantic relationship.

Why? First of all, social networks such as Facebook have strict privacy implementation. Unless you are a professional hacker, you can’t get into anyone’s account without knowing their email address or mobile number and password. People can do anything they want without the public knowing.

Second, when you register for an account, you are making yourself visible to the public. People can access your profile. That’s the whole point of all these online social pages. You keep up with your buddies and make new friends.

So here’s the glitch. When you are in a relationship, you try hard to become an entity. And sometimes you forget that a healthy relationship means giving value to your partner’s privacy. You think that now that you’re a couple, you have to share everything and know everything about each other. What better way to do that than having each other’s social media accounts, right?

Most of those who aren’t bothered about social media affecting their personal relationship are people who are not actively using their accounts. But for those who do, this kind of matter raises questions regarding trust issues.

‘How would you feel if your girlfriend starts to ask for your user account on Facebook? Do you think she’s asking too much? Doesn’t she trust you enough to let you do your own thing online? Is it fine with you if she keeps tabs on who you’re friends with, whom you’re chatting to, and everything that you are able to do given Facebook’s features?’

Or

‘Why won’t he give you his user account details? Is he hiding something from you? Is he planning to hide something from you? Doesn’t he trust you enough to be exposed and be a part of his past, present, and future aspirations? Does he consider you as a temporary person in his life? How can you trust him when he doesn’t let you?’

Exactly. These are concerns that are not often voiced out. As good as it sounds; connecting people around the world; social media has led people to discover a new set of insecurities

So what do you think, does social media really impact a relationship?

 

I Am A Parent Too

Why are you so quick to judge?

Yes, I am an unwed mother. And yes, I know that I am too young to be a parent. But does that make me less of a person? Does that define who I was, who I am, and who I will be? I think not.

I know that your interest in my life is purely sincere and I respect that. But do you respect mine too?

You push me to do big things. And if I cannot deliver to your expectations you criticize me all over again. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you.

You bluntly tell me I am a burden to my parents. Do you know how stupid you sound to me? Nothing you say is new to my knowledge. I know because I feel that even before I bore my children into this world; besides you made sure that I never forget.

You always complain about how immature and irresponsible I am, about not doing enough for my children. You tell me that I have a lousy job. It’s true. Freelance writing doesn’t guarantee a thousand dollars in a matter of months or even a whole year. But it’s still work and a decent one too. It won’t take us to Disneyland or to the Enchanted Kingdom; heck if it can pay for a short vacation in Cebu. But it enables me to buy food and clothes for my kids, plus I get to watch them grow.

Many orphans would give anything just to be recognized by their real parents. Children of overseas workers would hope to get their parents coming to every school show they join instead of having new gadgets. And if you say that you’d rather have the luxurious life, then you know nothing because you have everything; otherwise you’re just some kid with parent issues.

Me being a mom is not a cliche’ to every teen who got pregnant. So don’t talk to me like I don’t care, because I do. I struggle to stay awake at night just so I can do my job. I brainstorm daily to get my works published and paid. I may not be the best mom; I’m not even sure if I qualify as a good mom, but I am a mother. I chose parenthood and I know that it counts for something.

 

 

Horror-full Nights

It is not something physical. I eat fine and sleep okay. My tiredness goes deeper than that. I feel it in mind, my heart and my spirit. It’s awful. I used to drag myself at midnight til dawn to finish chores and still wake up gleeful in the morning. But now, I do so little and find myself drained at the end of the day.

And then comes the weird dreams.

Sometimes I open my eyes and watch myself struggle to move because I know something is coming to get me. Someone is pulling my blanket down and most times, I can’t contain a shiver. Someone is pounding on my head and I do nothing, not because I don’t want to but because I can’t. I feel fear but I cannot physically react to it. I am outside my body. I try to get a hold of me and as I struggle harder, my body begins to panic. So I close my eyes, hoping that the next time I wake up, my body does too.

I cannot get rid of the nightmares. And it is beginning to rattle me even when I am awake. It drains me and I feel very, very tired.

I Wonder

I wonder what it’s like to calmly sleep at night;

Without any fear of dealing a change of heart in the morning.

I wonder what it’s like to have someone who’s willing to stay;

Someone who knows your sadness, happiness and ever little thing that matters.

I wonder what it’s like to love;

A love accepted and offered in return.

I wonder.. deep in my aching heart.. I wonder what it’s like to be loved;

Without reservations, doubts and second thoughts.

I wonder. And I will keep on wondering until I the day comes that I wonder no more.